Yep… Just received that message from someone that I have been holding out hope for for the last 10 months…

Saying that sounds silly… I met someone on Facebook dating… Heck all of the places to meet someone but you see I don’t really go anywhere… I have one friend that I hangout with on the kind of regular and one friend who is married and we meet every two weeks to get our nails done and have a coffee together… I love them both dearly but none of us are the go out in public all the time and well it’s hard to meet anyone organically when you don’t really go anywhere but work, home and to take care of your mom (I’m sure a blog or two will be coming about that soon.)

So I met him on there… Nice guy… He’s tall enough to make me feel “shorter” and that’s a tall job because I’m 5’10 and a half (yes that half means a lot.)

So anyways I met him and we started talking… I’m not going to give a whole lot of personal details about him because that’s not my place to do but he is sweet… kind… and loving to just about everyone but me…

I guess maybe I should have taken the hint the first time that he pulled away months ago but I always thought that maybe just maybe if I held on long enough and showed him how caring I was that he would eventually realized but the only one to realize anything… and much to late I fear is me…

I remember one text message he sent me months ago where he said he wanted to “talk to you now tomorrow the next week the next month next year” crazy we got all of that but today I go the “I really think you are a great person.”

See I’m gotten that my whole life… Every time someone finds something “wrong” in me they say it and leave…

My ex-husband did it…

And I’m just here… crying and writing this blog…

See I really care about him and I was trying to give him the space to heal (He had gotten divorced not long before we started talking and I was a year out at the time) but still be there… I wanted us to heal together but I was never really given that opportunity and now I’m going to go back to having to do it one hundred percent on my own…

I’ve done a lot of work on myself but I really miss having someone to call on the way home and at lunch… and well he became it… And I guess I really just thought it would have turned into something more in his heart too and it never did…

I literally genuinely cared about him and his family…

I tried to make his birthday special and his Christmas but in the end… What he said one conversation months ago was true…

The first real something after your marriage doesn’t last and it hurts you more than your marriage ending…

I know down deep that isn’t the case for him because he didn’t get as invested in it as I did but for me it is… He was so scared for failing and getting hurt that he never really gave us a true go… He will tell you that himself if you were to ask… But I did… I gave it a real go and I gave my heart and now I have to heal again for someone who all I wanted to do was make their life better and easier…

But instead my heart and mind ran with he things he said and my heart took what he said at face value and always remembered the hopefulness he had so when he said things and would leave and come back around… I only looked at what he said before and kept holding on…

And now I love someone who thinks “I’m a really great person” but has no interest in ever giving me a real chance even though we really should have…

So tonight I started the blog that I’ve wanted to for a while… To hopefully help other people… to heal myself and hopefully convince my heart to stop loving him and my head to stop always giving him the benefit of the doubt and this time to really listen and move on…